chitona | for inhairently

for inhairently

[ Eddie had accepted that he was dying. It didn't matter if the bats were falling around them, or that Dustin had found his way back to Eddie, despite all of Eddie's attempts to keep him from coming down after him. He had made peace with it. It's not like he had much to live for, anyway. If they had managed to kill Vecna, what proof were they going to find to prove Eddie's innocence?

As far as Hawkins was concerned, he was as good as guilty. And even if he did survive, even if he did get his name cleared, what then? He's still a two-time supersenior with no future. It had always been a pipe dream, running the hell out of Hawkins.

So as he lay there, with Dustin hunched over him, he let go. And he thought to himself, this is it, maybe now he'll find peace.

Only peace never came. Because the next time he opens his eyes, he realizes he's still in that same hell that he thought he died in, only instead of Dustin accompanying his torn-to-shreds body, it's -- ]

Harrington? The fuck is going on? [ His voice comes out strained, and he is suddenly aware of every single part of his body that the bats had torn into. And in that moment he can't help but wish, even just for a moment, that he had died, if for no other reason than to stop feeling that unbearable pain. ]

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[ Coming back here on his own had been a pretty stupid decision. Steve realized that about fifteen minutes ago, when he’d climbed back through the fissure in Eddie’s place and into the Upside Down, then watched in abject horror as it sealed behind him. Nancy and Robin’s shouts for him to wait are still bouncing around in his skull as he trudges through the trailer in search of sheets or a blanket he can use to wrap Eddie’s body in, and he’s not sure if it’s because he can still really hear them — like they’d heard Dustin at the Wheelers’ — or if his brain just isn’t letting go seeing as that might be the last thing he ever hears from either of them.

It’ll be fine, though. The recovery mission is still on, he thinks. It’s just more complicated now. He just has to survive, find a way out, and bring Eddie with him.

Easy.

There’s a musty old comforter in Eddie’s bedroom (which isn’t a jab at Eddie — everything in the Upside Down is musty) so Steve bundles that in his arms and heads outside. He thought he’d be more anxious about it. There hadn’t really been time to catch more than a glimpse of Eddie’s body as Steve dragged Dustin, kicking and screaming, out of the Upside Down. Now, as he kneels on the ground next to Eddie and sets the comforter aside, he’d expected to feel… anything, actually. Anything at all.

Instead there’s just emptiness in his chest — a big hole where an emotion should probably be. He regards Eddie’s body with a clinical sort of reserve as he debates the best way to do this.

And then he sees Eddie’s chest rise and fall with a breath.

Or did he? It’s so dark, it’s hard to tell. It could just be a trick of the dim light but —

Shit, no, Eddie’s definitely breathing. He’s alive.

Suddenly that emotion-shaped hole in Steve's chest is full to the brim with too many things. Relief and joy and, above all, sheer fucking panic because he has absolutely no idea what to do. Eddie need a hospital, like, now and the nearest way out of here could be miles away, if any ways out even still exist.

Before he can do anything, Eddie actually wakes up and speaks and for a second Steve stares at him with wide, owlish eyes like he's just witnessed a genuine, praise-Jesus-hallelujah miracle from God. Then he relaxes, and when he opens his own mouth he manages a sort of unaffected, casual tone that doesn't reflect the jumble of emotions he's currently cycling through. ]

Told you not to be a hero, man.

[ Immediately, Eddie regrets laughing at Steve's comment. It sends a surge of pain through his chest and causes him to cough, and there's still blood from the wound on his neck, and he's really not sure how he's alive right now, given that he's in excruciating pain and he's pretty sure his insides are trying to become his outsides.

But he is alive, and Steve is telling him off for being a hero despite promising he would do no such thing, and all Eddie can do is laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. ]

Had to. The bats...it didn't work. You'd have been swarmed.

[ He doesn't say it, but he thinks, Better me than you. It's not like Eddie had much to look forward to, while Steve, Nancy, and Robin all had so much on the horizon. He would have done it all over again the same way, but he doesn't say that because the last thing they need right now is an argument while Eddie is still kind of bleeding out. ]

Fuck, it hurts. How are you not still in so much fucking pain from those bites?

[ Steve's pain has become a background note through all of this. His jacket sits too heavy on his shredded shoulders and back and if he really thinks about it, his shirt feels too damp where he's bled through from the bites. He should be at the hospital right now. Yeah. It was stupid to jump back through the gate but he's glad he did.

Or he would be if he didn't feel so numb. It's a culmination of things. The closed gate. The fact that Max is probably dead, and the fact that he'd thought Eddie was dead too up until about ten seconds ago. Eddie needs medical attention right now and, shit, Steve doesn't know how to do that. His medical expertise starts and ends at applying bandaids and maybe a little Neosporin if he's feeling fancy.

Now his friend is bleeding out on the ground in front of him, and probably will be dead soon if they don't do something. Steve's never felt more like a dumb helpless kid before now. ]

I dunno, I guess I just sort of ignored it, [ he replies distantly with a loose shrug that stings the scrapes on the backs of his arms. Then, in that same distant tone, he adds, ] We thought you were dead. I was —

[ He lets the sentence trail off as he gestures towards the comforter as if that's explanation enough. Maybe it is, he doesn't know.

His brow furrows as he looks Eddie over, taking in the torn clothing and exposed wounds. God, that really is a lot of blood. ]

Hey, uh. Did your uncle keep a medicine cabinet or anything?

[ Like he figures it's incredibly unlikely that Wayne Munson kept a secret stash of sutures and shit but anything's better than nothing, right? ]

[ Eddie can only blink at that. They thought he was dead. And yet Steve still went for his body? That stirs a feeling in his chest, the fact that Steve would risk his life to make sure Eddie got out of there, dead or alive. So that Wayne would --

Another wave of pain and nausea shoots through his body and he lets out a groan. How Steve isn't feeling anything like this is beyond him, but then again the bats got him really good, while Steve only had a few tearing into his flesh.

He's barely coherent when Steve asks about a medicine cabinet. He nods, trying to focus on Steve instead of the pain, but the corners of is vision are starting to blur, to go blindingly white and its becoming harder and harder to stay conscious. ] Bathroom. Under the sink, there's a kit.

[ He is of course skeptical that his first aid kit would have also made a permanent fixture in the Upside Down version of his trailer, but it would have been there in 1983. With how many times Eddie had gotten into fights at school, being bullied and all, Wayne made sure it was stocked. ]

[ Steve nods as he gives Eddie's body another onceover, almost hoping he might suddenly realize it's not as bad as he'd first thought. (It's definitely that bad. Probably worse.) ]

Alright, I'll go look. Just... don't try to move or anything, alright? Stay here.

[ He stands and heads back to the trailer, with one last glance over his shoulder at Eddie before he goes inside.

He wasn't really expecting the gate to suddenly be open again, yet his heart still sinks when he steps into the living room and sees nothing but a dead, empty tear in the ceiling. It's eerie silent in here, and he spares a moment to stop and listen for any voices from the other side. Nance, Robin, anyone... but there's nothing. No one. He and Eddie really are screwed-with-a-capital-S.

There's nothing to do but keep going, though, so he finds the first aid kit easily enough and heads back outside, settling back on the ground next to Eddie. ]

Okay, [ he mumbles, more to himself than to Eddie. ] Okay. Uh. I guess I'm gonna pull your shirt up.

[ Survival mode hasn't quite kicked in yet to snuff out the anxiety, but he's getting there. Once he shifts into that frame of mind there won't be any room for nervousness. He'll do what he has to, and they'll be okay. He'll figure this first aid stuff out as he goes. That's how this works. It's how it always works. ]

( As if Eddie even has the energy to try and move a muscle. Between the pain and the exhaustion from not having had a moment of peaceful rest, Eddie feels close to passing out. But he tries to stay awake all the same.

Once Steve returns, he closes his eyes and lets out a grunt of pain, preparing himself for what he assumes is going to be even worse. But it's not like he has much of a choice. The damage is done, now Steve needs to clean out the wounds as best he can and bandage him up.

He definitely didn't expect Steve to be the one to end up stuck with him like this, but he's more than happy that it worked out this way. Even though Nancy would probably be the better choice with her guns, selfishly he would rather Steve be here for the company. Which should probably be insane, considering not more than a week ago he had been bemoaning to Dustin about how much of a douche Steve had been in school.

And now his own life is in Steve's hands and he finds that he's more than okay with that notion. )

This is not how I saw this going, ( he teases, and if his face weren't hurting as much as the rest of his body, he probably would be smirking up at Steve. But instead, he tries to relax as much as possible. ) I would say buy me dinner first, but, uh. Don't think that's happening anytime soon.

( That startles a dry laugh out of Steve, even as his focus begins to shift fully into figuring out first aid. )

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what... as soon as you're feeling up to it I'll take you to Enzo's. How's that?

( It's just a dumb joke meant to lighten the mood and maybe distract Eddie a little as Steve peels back his torn, bloody shirt, but honestly? If they make it out of this hellhole Steve will take Eddie wherever he wants to go.

He's relieved to see that the wounds aren't quite as bad as he'd been expecting. Like, they're not good, but at least Eddie's guts aren't falling out or anything. Unfortunately it doesn't give him any better idea on how to apply first aid but, he reminds himself, he only has to stabilize Eddie so they can find a way out. And they will find a way out. Even if it means going back to the Creel house, or the Lover's Lake, or wherever. Anywhere there might be another gate.

There are some sterile wipes in the kit so he takes those out first to try to clean up the areas around the gashes a bit. He does know not to put antiseptic in open wounds so beyond this there's not much he can do besides bandage Eddie up. He tapes gauze padding down over each wound but he really needs to wrap a proper bandage around Eddie's midsection if any of it's going to stay in place. )

Do you think you can sit up?

( Eddie makes a pained noise at Steve's joking promise. Obviously he's joking, but there's a small part of Eddie that would fucking love to be taken out by Steve when all of this is said and done. Which is probably the point. If he has something to look forward to, Eddie will be much more likely to do everything in his damn power to survive this.

At Steve's question, Eddie goes quiet for a moment, trying to assess the pain he's currently feeling. Despite not being in danger of dying, he still feels a throbbing pain that doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. But, he figures if Steve can clean and bandage the wounds then maybe that pain will start to ebb after some time. )

Only one way to find out.

( He takes it slow, struggling a little bit to find the strength to even do so, but he knows once Steve finishes this it'll be worth it. He lets out a grunt as he slides a little bit so that he can lean against Steve, not entirely sure he can keep himself upright without a little bit of assistance. And he knows if he winds up laying down again, he won't be getting back up anytime soon. )

I'd hurry if I were you.

( Steve doesn't need to be told twice. He quickly unfurls an ACE bandage and wraps it around Eddie's midsection, trying his best to make sure it's tight enough to do its job but not so tight it'll be uncomfortable for Eddie. Once he's satisfied, he affixes the little metal clasps to hold it in place and helps ease Eddie back to the ground. )

Are you good? ( He tugs Eddie's shirt back down as he speaks, smoothing it carefully over his new bandages. The fabric is so torn and filthy — Eddie can't stay like this, or out here. That much is clear. ) We should get you inside, man. I can move the mattress back to your bedroom so you can rest. We should get you some new clothes, too.

( He's still carefully skirting around the whole "there's not a gate anymore" issue but he knows he has to break the news sooner or later, and it's looking like it'll be sooner if he manages to get Eddie back inside. Speaking of — )

I could, uh. I could probably carry you. If you don't think you can walk.

( Eddie hisses at the feeling of the bandages touching his wounds. It's not like they have antiseptic or even any running water to wash it out, so this is just going to have to do. It's going to suck when they have to remove it later, he knows it, but if this keeps his insides from spilling out, then fine.

He lets out a grunt when Steve asks if he's good, but leans against him when he feels his shirt get pulled down. He looks up at Steve when he mentions getting him inside. Shouldn't they be getting back to Hawkins? )

Uh. Right, yeah. To the bedroom, that's...probably a good idea.

( He doesn't push it, because he knows he's still too weak to climb a rope, and if there's no immediate danger than he could use the rest. But he's starting to get worried that there's something Steve isn't telling him. )

C'mon man, you were injured, too, I'm not gonna make you carry me. ( He pauses, trying to get up onto his feet, but stumbles, immediately crashing into the wall. Okay, maybe he does need Steve to help carry him. ) Fucking shit. Okay, Samwise the Stouthearted, you can carry me.

Uh-huh, ( is Steve's response to his brand new nickname. He doesn't get it, he's not going to ask. Let Eddie say whatever he wants to if it distracts him from this current bitch of a situation. )

Before we go in, ( he begins as he starts to scoop Eddie up bridal style. It's not easy — Eddie's heavier than he looks, and each bit of effort it takes to lift him seems to tug and tear at Steve's own wounds. ) I should tell you — uh. When I came back through? The gate kind of... uh,

itkindofclosed.

( He would like to say that he mumbled that last bit in the world's quietest voice because each step towards the trailer with Eddie in his arms is causing him so much pain that it temporarily rendered him unable to speak.

And that would, actually, be kind of true. Because he's starting to wonder if this wasn't a bad idea, and if he might be ripping his own bat bites big enough for his own guts to come out.

But the truth is? He hates that he has to deliver yet even more bad news to Eddie. The guy deserves a win, seriously. )

( This would be mildly embarrassing if it weren't for the amount of pain Eddie still feels as Steve hoists him up. He tries to look anywhere but at Steve because he knows he'll just blush, and he has nowhere to hide it since his arms aren't exactly fully mobile just yet. His whole body feels like it's been torn to shreds and he has no idea how he's alive, but he is alive and that should count for something.

But then Steve delivers that shitty news and Eddie feels his whole mood drop. )

What? It's...it's closed? How are we gonna get out of here?

( He doesn't want to think about the possibility that they could be stuck here for all eternity. He has to hold out hope that they will find a new way out, otherwise what would be the point in trying to stay alive if they have to survive in this hellhole? )

( Steve is suddenly grateful that he hadn’t moved the mattress yet as he makes his way into the trailer’s small living room, nudging the door shut behind them with one foot. He eases Eddie down onto the mattress as carefully as he can, grimacing as his own wounds protest, and sort of unceremoniously collapses next to Eddie. A deep frown twists his features as he rolls onto his back to stare up at the dark gash on the ceiling where the gate used to be. Part of him had hoped he'd see Nancy, Robin, anyone staring back at them from the other side, but no – it's just as dark and dead as it had been. )

We’ll find a way, ( he finally says, and to his credit he really means it. This isn't it for either of them. They didn't go through hell for it all to end here.

He tears his eyes away from the not-gate and looks at Eddie, studying him silently for a moment before he speaks again. )

Do you need anything? Better clothes? A pillow? Let me know, man. I'll grab whatever.

( He's pretty sure he's never been this sore or bone-deep exhausted in his life (and that's saying a lot), but he'll be on his feet in an instant. Eddie just has to say the word. )

( Under normal circumstances, Eddie would never have felt this desperate. But after what they both went through, the thought of Steve leaving his side sends a jolt of terror like ice-cold water through his veins. With his face contorted into panic, he reaches for Steve's shirt to tug on him so that he wouldn't dare get any idea that he should leave. )

No, just...stay with me? h( e asks pathetically. ) I'm still...I mean, I just want to make sure you're still here when I wake up if I doze off and that this wasn't just one big nightmare.

( It would be one hell of a way to find out he really did die. )

( Steve glances at Eddie, a little surprised at the tugging on his shirt, and he finds himself stricken by the sincerity of Eddie's fear. It's not as if it's undeserved. In fact, Steve doesn't know why he himself isn't more afraid — maybe he's just too tired to feel anything else right now, but it's just as likely that he's become too good at lying to himself. He keeps thinking "Nance and Robin will find a way. We're going to be fine." and he tells himself quite firmly that he believes it.

But, deep down, he knows that this is just as likely the end of the road for him and Eddie both. Odds are this trailer will be Eddie's tomb, if not Steve's too, because Steve doesn't know how long his amateur medic skills will keep Eddie going and he hasn't dared to look at his own wounds. There's no telling how rough they look right now.

Something about all of it — the look on Eddie's face, the way he speaks, Steve's own barely suppressed fears — has Steve doing something he wouldn't normally do. He takes Eddie's hand in his, lacing their fingers together, and gives it a squeeze. If they're going to die in the Upside Down (they're not, he reminds himself. Nancy and Robin will come through.), they don't have to feel alone while they do it. )

I'm not going anywhere. Promise.

( Only a few days ago, Eddie had been dismissing Henderson's claims of Steve being a badass and a changed man as impossible. But now, at the end of the goddamn world, Eddie clings to Steve's hand for dear life. It's his only lifeline and the only evidence that Eddie hasn't succumbed to his injuries just yet.

It might only be a matter of time, but at least he doesn't feel like it's so hopeless. Maybe they will get lucky, and that supergirl Max mentioned will find a way to rescue them. Or this may be their end. )

If you told me six months ago I would be hunkering down with you, I would have laughed hysterically and called you crazy. It's gonna sound weird, but...I don't think there's anyone I'd rather be with right now.

( He tells himself it's because out of everyone, Steve is the most capable of getting them both out of here with his athletic prowess and sheer will to survive. But he knows it runs deeper than that. There had been a spark back there - and not just the one he generated while hotwiring the bus. He thinks Steve must have felt it, too, despite Eddie's misguided attempts at nudging him back to Nancy out of fear that he was becoming too transparent. Now, though, there isn't a single solitary reason he shouldn't be honest. It's not like their chances of making this out alive are that great, anyway. )

Yeah?

( Steve isn't as surprised as he feels like he ought to be, and he actually finds he feels some measure of comfort in Eddie's words. He also finds he feels the same and that, in spite of how crazy the past few days have been, in spite of how his feelings for Nancy seem to be sparking back up thanks to literally everyone egging the two of them on, he wouldn't want to be here with anybody else. And if he had any idea about anything related to a certain super nerdy book, he might be reminded of a specific quote —

"I am glad that you are here with me," said Frodo. "Here at the end of all things, Sam."

But he doesn't know anything about that, so he isn't reminded of any quotes at all. He does look over at Eddie, though, and offers a faint, tired smile. )

Me too.

( His thoughts turn back to their wounds, and specifically the fandom classic matching scars they'll have, assuming they live long enough to actually heal. )

Y'know, ( he says, ) I'm pretty sure when we make it out of here we'll technically be blood brothers.

( He's expression sours before he even finishes the sentence, for two reasons:

1. he realizes immediately that that isn't even how blood brothers work.
2. the thought of calling Eddie "brother" or anything adjacent is somehow the most unappealing thing he's ever considered and he hates it. )

Or, uh. Not— I mean — whatever. You know what I mean.

When we make it out, ( Eddie repeats because he would much rather focus on that than the blood brothers thing. It's one thing to consider Dustin like a brother, but Steve? The two of them practically co-parent the little twerp, and isn't that a thought. )

I know what you mean, yeah. ( Eddie can't help but laugh that follows, a slightly bitter tone to it because he wants so badly to believe this will all work out in the end, but he doesn't exactly have a lot of faith. Even if they do make it out, do they have enough evidence to prove Eddie's innocence? The whole thing is insane. )

You're just full of surprises, aren't you, Harrington? ( He looks down at their joined hands and back up at Steve, dopey smile on his face. Later, he might blame it on delirium, but right now, he's fueled by the idea that they might not make it out, so why should he worry about fucking everything up? ) What's the first thing you're gonna do when we get out of here?

Take a shower, ( is Steve's prompt reply, though his actual answer is something along the lines of "go to the hospital so they can load me up on antibiotics and pick the gravel out of my back." That's depressing to think about, though, and their injuries are so on the forefront of his mind right now that he doesn't want them taking precedence in this fun little fantasy where they make it out and get to do whatever they want.

He doesn't know why he says what he says next, though. Maybe it's because he wants to make Eddie laugh, to try to keep his spirits up. ) And, um. I did promise to take you to Enzo's, what, like fifteen minutes ago? So the second thing I'd do is that, I guess.

What about you, man? What're you gonna do?

( Eddie lets out a hearty laugh at that and immediately regrets it when he feels like the air has been punched out of his lungs. He needs to conserve his strength until they can find a way out of this hellhole. He grows quiet at Steve's mention of Enzo's. It does sound like Steve is serious about it. He thought it would be forgotten, along with everything else that transpired down here, but maybe not. Maybe he still hasn't given Steve enough credit. )

Shower, yeah, I'm with you there. But, um. Also, pay my uncle a visit? I'm sure he's been worried sick about me, and I owe him the biggest apology, you know. For putting him through hell and all.

( He frowns, thinking about all of the support Wayne has given him over the year. Just like his old man, he can't seem to stop fucking up. Those Munson men -- always giving each other and the rest of the world a few more grey hairs. )

Hey, it's not like you meant to, ( Steve reasons. He wonders if Eddie's uncle is the type of man who might believe all the bullshit going around about Eddie. He hopes not, but decides not to ask. ) I think he'll get it.

( Hard to say for sure when he doesn't know the guy, but he'd like to think it's true. For Eddie's sake, if nothing else.

His mind wanders to the other things he might like to do once they get out of here, and a twinge of anxiety pierces his chest. This really feels like that old cliche, the one where the parents tell their kid the family dog just went away to live on a farm. It's like he and Eddie are just going through the motions to comfort themselves and make whatever horrible end awaits them more palatable.

He starts to think about all the things he took for granted that he may never get to experience again. Stuff like driving with the windows down in the springtime, dozing off on the couch next to Robin while whatever boring movie she picked blasts on the television. Fresh lemonade in the summer. Hot cocoa in the winter. Stupid little things he never realized he would miss so much. What if the last thing either of them know is this sour, suffocating place?

He realizes his grip on Eddie's hand has tightened without him meaning to, and he loosens it with a weak, apologetic smile. )

My birthday's in a few weeks, ( he says suddenly, but he doesn't really know why he's telling Eddie. (For the record it's not the mystery wikipedia birthday but it's some other Taurus date.) He delivers the news like he's simply reciting a fact: the sky is blue, grass is green, Steve Harrington's birthday is coming up soon. ) I'll be nineteen. ( He wrinkles his nose a little as he says it, as if nineteen is some unimaginably old age. ) Maybe that's what I'll do when we get out of here — throw a birthday party. Like a real one, you know? Cake, ice cream, the whole shebang.

( Regardless of whether Steve knows Wayne or not, it's a nice sentiment. He hopes that it's true. He believes it to be true. If it weren't for Wayne, he doesn't think he would have survived all the shit his dad put him through over the years, just by being a mostly absent father.

He doesn't say anything besides hum in affirmation and reflect on all this. On everything he was going to miss on the very likely chance they don't make it out of here. How he wishes he told his friends he was glad they were around. His chest squeezes a little at the thought of never seeing Dustin again.

Steve's hand squeezing his before gently loosening brings him back to earth. He raises an eyebrow at Steve's statement. They're the same age, more or less, but just saying how old Steve is going to be is almost enough to send Eddie spiraling again. They're barely adults, and their lives are already being cut short. It just isn't fair.

He swallows, ignoring how his throat feels like it's tightening and making breathing a little harder. )

I'll be there. I'm gonna help you through the best fucking birthday party Hawkins has ever seen.

You better believe I'm holding you to that.

( Funny how only a week ago Steve would have scoffed at the mere suggestion he invite Eddie Munson to his birthday. Now he wouldn't have it any other way. They only have to make it there.

Every inch of his body hurts. He feels as if someone's twisting knives in his belly. His entire back is on fire, and he thinks he's probably made a mistake by laying on it like this. Yet, despite the pain, he can feel sleep trying to settle its way into his bones. He's so fucking tired. But if he falls asleep, he thinks, he might not wake up. Or worse, he might wake up to find Eddie won't.

He fights his drooping eyelids and decides to keep talking. That's what they always say to do in the movies, right? Just keep talking. Help is on the way. Blah blah blah.

So, uh, yeah. Birthday parties. )

We just can't go too crazy. Henderson would kill me if he wasn't invited. I'm thinking pool party. Everybody likes a pool party.

( It's nice to think about, what's going to happen after. Even if Eddie doesn't necessarily believe they'll both make it out of here. If anyone's making it out of here alive, it's Steve.

This means anything they say probably won't leave this room, right? Eddie might be a coward; he might have run away all this time, but there's no more point in running when he's hit a dead end.

There's no more point in keeping any secrets from Steve. He probably doesn't have to worry about Steve acting poorly, even if the former jock just humors him until Eddie draws his last breath. )

Steve, there's something you should know -- ( he begins and makes a face when he realizes he's wholly veered their conversation off track. It's too late, though. Eddie's started, and now he has to finish it. ) I should've told you. ( He pauses to swallow, his breath coming a little shallower. ) Before, when you were leaving to go to the Creel house with Buckley and Wheeler. I wasn't gonna say make him pay. I fucking chickened out.

( Steve is grateful when Eddie suddenly changes the subject. He's not sure how much longer he could babble about a birthday party.

This new direction is a little confusing, though. He gets the sense that whatever Eddie has to say is important but he can't even begin to guess what it could be.

He shoots Eddie a quizzical glance. )

What do you mean?

( There's no backing down now. Even with the nerves cropping up, trying to convince Eddie he made a big mistake. Even with the 0.00001% chance that they'll make it out of here alive...Steve would probably forget about this conversation ever taking place. )

Look, I'm probably not gonna make it out of here. Shh -- don't look at me like that, I know how bad it is. If I die -- ( he squeezes his eyes shut, feels tears start to form as he struggles to find the words to tell Steve the truth. )

I want you to know. I was gonna tell you the truth. That I really fucking like you. And then I was gonna kiss you.

( Every muscle in Steve's body tenses more and more with each word out of Eddie's mouth. First because Eddie's being a little too real, but then that confession blindsides Steve and he doesn't know what to say. He's almost as dumbfounded as the day Robin came out to him.

But he doesn't recoil, and he doesn't let go of Eddie's hand. )

Eddie... ( He begins gently, but the sentence trails off when he realizes he doesn't know how to finish it. "I'm not gay" is the defense that springs instinctively to his lips, but it doesn't feel right. In this moment it seems cruel, even. )

Don't start talking like that, alright? I told you, we're both getting out of here. ( He says it like he means it. Firm, direct, and with the slightest quiver that betrays how he really feels. He has to clear his throat before he can continue. ) We'll get patched up and we'll fix this bullshit with you and the cops, and you can find someone who wasn't a total douchebag to you and your friends in high school.

( He doesn't know why, but imagining Eddie parting ways to run off with someone else unearths the same bitter sort of sadness he'd felt when he'd seen Nancy and Jonathan together that first time and realized what it meant for them, and what it meant for him and Nancy. Why should he feel that way now? He's just trying to let the poor guy down gently while keeping him bolstered enough to keep fighting.

Steve's fingers tighten their grip around Eddie's again, but he doesn't seem to notice. )

( Eddie wants to protest, but he knows it's futile. He thought he would feel better once he got that off his chest, but now it only has him feeling empty inside. On the one hand, he feels less of a weight off his shoulder now that he's not keeping it a secret that he's into guys, specifically Steve.

But what happens if they do miraculously survive? He will still have to overcome this crush that only seems to worsen the longer Steve holds his hand. )

You weren't -- you weren't a total douchebag. ( Eddie feels Steve's fingers tighten around his, and his eyes widen. At least Steve hasn't dropped his hand in disgust. That has to count for something, right? ) Besides, you're not that guy anymore, Steve.

( Steve doesn't answer right away. He looks at Eddie, really looks at him, past the blood and grime and exhaustion. He studies those big brown eyes. That hair. Those lips. He thinks about the funny pang of what had to be jealousy mixed with a little bit of grief at the thought of Eddie dating another guy.

He isn't quite ready to open that door, but he's willing to knock.

They're facing down death, side-by-side in an alternate dimension. Eddie's already bared his soul. The least Steve can do is entertain the idea that he doesn't know his own as well as he'd thought.

He's not gay. He knows he's not gay. Dudes like him don't like other dudes, but he hasn't thought dudes like Eddie did, either. )

How did you know? ( He winces with a quick shake of his head. ) Not that I'm not a douche. That's not what I mean.

How did you know you're... you know.

( Out of all the questions for Steve to ask, Eddie doesn't expect that. He sort of expected Steve would be firmly in denial. But then he thinks back to the RV and Steve looking undeniably flustered in response to Eddie's very obvious flirting.

Besides, he's already admitted to Steve that he would have kissed him back in the clearing, and Steve hasn't shoved him away and told him to save himself. He thinks maybe he can trust Steve with this story. )

All of my friends were talking about the girls they had crushes on. When it was my turn, I couldn't think of anyone. I thought I was broken, y'know? But then I met this guy. I thought he was so cool. At first, I thought, you know, I wanted to be him, like how I wanted to be Mad Max. But then my friend Jeff talked about how he would get around girls, you know, the whole sweaty palms, heart skipping a beat, fucking butterflies, the whole nine yards. I started paying attention to how I felt around this guy. And, yeah, I guess realizing I kinda wanted to kiss him was a big tip-off.

( He sighs at the memory of his first real crush. When even was the last time he thought about that? ) Spoiler alert: didn't get to kiss him. That was my first lesson in keep that fucking shit to yourself if you don't wanna get killed.

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