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[ as it turns out, leaving hawkins behind was a lot easier than eddie expected it to be. the hardest part was not saying goodbye. he knew if he set out to do this intentionally, if he announced it to the pack he would never be able to follow through with it. it was better this way, to pack a few bags and take his van to drive as far as his tank of gas will get him out of here.

armed with nothing but a stack of mixtapes and a vague idea of where he's headed, eddie finally runs away one last time. he ignores the ache in his chest and the way his whole self seems to be screaming at him to turn around. it's better this way, he tells himself. wayne won't have to deal with the delinquent jock assholes coming by to spray paint and wreck his van, and egg the trailer. maybe without him, the hellfire club can be rebranded and start anew. it's not like corroded coffin was going to go anywhere, not so long as the rumors surrounding eddie's cult leader status continued.

he knows dustin will never forgive him, but it's a price he's willing to take to finally get some peace of mind somewhere he can be truly anonymous. sure he can't exactly change his name, but he can settle somewhere out west where the name eddie munson doesn't cause a fight to break out.

he doesn't expect to miss steve. he doesn't expect to miss any of them, but he does. and since he never gave anyone his new address or phone number, it's not as if anyone can keep in touch. but every so often, his nightmares will take on a new shape, and instead of the bats coming to terrorize him, it's steve he sees, in lover's lake. steve, who's getting chewed alive but this time eddie's the only one who dives after him, and he's just a little too late.

that morning after he wakes up drenched in sweat, he dials steve's number without even thinking. but when he hears the voice on the other end, eddie realizes what he's doing and hangs up without saying a word. and later, when he's at work and he catches sight of a burgundy bmw, eddie will pretend that his blood doesn't run cold in shameful fear, even though there's no way that can be steve, not when he heard his damn voice mere hours ago. but that doesn't stop his hands from trembling as he tries to focus on the tune-up he's supposed to be doing on the dodge challenger in front of him. ]

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( they didn't find out eddie had left until a week after he skipped town. until he didn't show for hellfire club or band practice, and dustin called eddie's uncle, only to find out that eddie left and didn't say where he was going. at first, steve tried to reassure dustin that eddie would probably come back. he was probably just getting something out of his system, trying to cope with the knowledge of alternate dimensions and monsters—not to mention the trauma nearly getting eaten alive by demonic bats. but as days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, with no word and no eddie, it started to look like he might not come back. dustin was convinced something bad had happened, this wasn't like eddie, and that they had to go find him. he was so adamant, he had steve half-convinced.

so steve looked into it. he figured that if anyone knew where eddie was, it was probably the feds. they didn't like loose ends, and eddie munson leaving hawkins without warning (and, most likely, without permission) was one very obvious loose end. steve didn't like asking for favors or talking to authority figures, but—for dustin's sake—he did both. he went to hopper, and hopper went to owens, and within a week steve had a location and the name of a garage where eddie apparently worked now.

steve thought about driving out there himself. part of him wanted to make sure eddie was actually okay. that it wasn't just another government cover-up, the kind he'd witnessed firsthand several times at this point. but he told himself that was just dustin's conspiracy theories messing with his head. another part of him wanted to confront eddie. to demand to know what the hell he'd been thinking when he just up and left without so much as a goodbye, after all they'd been through. in the end, steve wound up stashing the paper with the place names in his nightstand and pushing it out of his mind. why should he care what eddie does with his life?

then comes the phone call. it's early enough that the ringing jolts steve out of a dead sleep. he's annoyed when he answers, and the person hangs up without saying a word. it was probably just a wrong number, but for some reason steve can't help wondering if it was eddie.

that thought sticks with him. he thinks about the paper again, with the town and garage name on it. and the longer he thinks about it, the angrier he gets, until he comes to a decision. he calls out of work, grabs the paper, grabs his keys, and hits the road, driving until he arrives at that town, that garage.

and sure enough, there's eddie.

and he looks fine. not a scratch on him. steve should be relieved, but instead it just pisses him off more. he should've used all his driving time to think of what he wanted to say, but he didn't. he parks and gets out of the car, shoves his hands into his pockets as he approaches eddie and the dodge challenger. he should've thought of what he wanted to say, but since he didn't, he says the first thing that comes to mind as soon as he's standing next to eddie. )

You've got some kind of nerve. You know that?

[ the new job has been in a lot of ways therapeutic for eddie. he's been able to focus all of his attention into fixing things that were broken. it feels like a metaphor for his own inability to fix himself.

and he knows, deep down, that the change of location didn't fix shit. he still suffers from nightmares, and the only difference is he can't drive down to steve's or robin's or dustin's for some reassurance that they're still alive. because of how he left, he can't even phone them up.

it was stupid, he knows that now, but he can't go back. a part of him is afraid that they've moved on without him. that he'll go back and find out that they've forgotten about him. even worse, he dreads the look in their eyes if they didn't move on but hate him for leaving.

which is why when he hears steve's voice, eddie tenses up and lets out a sound reminiscent of a sob, drops his wrench, which thankfully clatters on the ground and does not get lost in the underhood of the car. he also makes a sudden movement which leads to him banging his head on the top of the hood that's propped up just above him. he lets out an impressive string of curses before reluctantly spinning around to meet steve's eyes.

eddie, with his hair pulled up into a ponytail, with grease stains all over, probably still manages to look the most put together he has since before chrissy cunningham's untimely death in his trailer all those months ago. he tries to keep his face neutral as he takes in steve's angry expression, but all it does is strike him down with guilt, causing him to deflate immediately. ]

You weren't supposed to find me.

( it should bring steve some degree of satisfaction, seeing eddie hit his head on the hood of the car, seeing the way he shrinks when he turns around. like he knows he fucked up. but far from feeling satisfied, steve just feels like he's been socked in the chest when eddie faces him and their eyes meet. eddie looks almost exactly like he does in steve's memory. he might even look better—healthier, even covered in grease stains. like maybe his new life is treating him better than his life in hawkins ever did. of course, during all the time they spent together, eddie was on the run, or they were fighting for their lives in the upside down, or eddie was lying on a hospital bed, so maybe steve doesn't have the best frame of reference.

the garage is quiet. they seem to be alone presently, though steve's sure that could change at any moment. another employee or a customer could show up and put the brakes on this little confrontation. so steve tries to make it quick. he crosses his arms, wrapping his hand around the opposite elbow. ) Yeah, well. You weren't supposed to leave without saying goodbye.

( supposed to. as if any of them knows what you're "supposed" to do when you've been through the shit they've all been through. some part of steve knows he's being unfair, but he's too annoyed to heed it. )

I'd say that makes us even, but we are so far from even, it's not even funny.

( he steps closer. )

Dustin was worried sick— ( he starts, and then stops, glancing around the garage just to make sure they're alone. and even when it appears that they are, he lowers his voice as he says, ) He thought something happened. Thought Vecna or—or the government got to you. ( then, more loudly, he continues, ) But I guess you just fucked off to play mechanic, or whatever the hell is going on here.

[ if anything, the guilt just keeps getting piled on with the more steve speaks. he knows he was being selfish when he decided to leave in the middle of the night. he had spent the better part of the last several months pushing thoughts deep into the crevices of his mind, where he hoped never to think about that part of himself ever again.

so now that he's being forced to face all of his shortcomings, he can feel himself go immediately nauseated, his eyes starting to sting at the mention of dustin. he stays quiet throughout steve's confrontation, hugging himself tightly as the fight just slowly leaves him, until all that's left is that empty shell of a man that had been discharged from the hospital post being chewed by bats.

each an every thing steve said just made eddie wince more and more, but it's his last statement that causes a strangled noise to slip out of his mouth. ]

I needed to get out of there, Harrington. [ he risks turning to look at steve, regretting that immediately as he feels himself crumble at the way he's looking at him, reminding him all too much like the way his old man used to look at him, before he fucked off and got himself imprisoned for years. ] I knew if I made plans, if I tried to say goodbye, I would never follow through.

[ he sighs, taking a few steps back until he's backed against the wall, sliding down so that he can pull his knees to his chest and rest his chin on his knees. ] Don't know why you're surprised though. Isn't that all I'm good at, running? [ the laugh that follows is self deprecating at its finest. ] I thought if I ran far enough away, I could trick myself into thinking I could just be normal somewhere. No monsters, no assholes slashing my tires, just me being some anonymous freak in the big city. [ the next sound that comes out sounds almost like a sob threatening to slip out. ] I'm sorry that I scared you guys. I didn't mean to freak Dustin, or anyone out.

( shit. this would've been easier if eddie'd snapped at him. if he'd gotten pissed back at steve. but watching eddie curl in on himself, shrinking against the wall of the garage, just makes steve feel like an asshole. and that, in turn, makes him madder. he's not the asshole here. he's not the one who vanished in the night, not caring who he broke in the process and leaving other people to pick up the pieces. leaving steve to pick up the pieces.

and yet. steve feels some of the fight go out of him. because he's not an asshole, and kicking someone when they're down isn't his style—not anymore. he rolls his head, glancing briefly up at the ceiling, then back down at the car eddie was working on. he hisses, ) Jesus Christ. ( and then kicks the front tire on the dodge, releasing a final burst of anger before it fizzles down, simmering just beneath his skin.

he sighs, and walks slowly over to where eddie's sitting against the wall. he drops his arms and places his hands on his hips instead, standing a foot from eddie. ) You want to know what I think? ( he doesn't wait for eddie to respond. ) I think you're full of shit, Munson.

( his tone is softer, though, lacking any sort of bite or vitriol. )

You really think you're gonna convince me you're a coward, after what you did to help us save Hawkins? No way, man. ( he throws up one hand, pacing in front of eddie as he talks. ) An idiot, maybe. ( and there's some of that anger seeping back in. ) But not a coward.

( he comes to stillness again in front of eddie, then crouches down to meet his eyes. )

Did you call me this morning?

[ with the way steve is practically stalking across the garage, eddie half expects him to slam him up against the wall and lay it on him. it would be payback, in a way, for the way eddie pinned steve against the wall all those months ago.

and shit if that doesn't feel like a lifetime has passed. but it hasn't; it hasn't even been a year yet.

he doesn't expect steve to stand there, in what dustin had once called full mom mode, followed by snickering from the whole party. back then, eddie hadn't even considered running this far away. to the next city over, maybe, but indiana, as it turns out, had started to suffocate him.

he doesn't respond to anything that steve says, because deep down he knows he's got a point. a coward wouldn't risk his life to keep dustin safe, to keep steve safe. steve, who eddie had spent all this time harboring a crush and tried, and still failed to get rid of, knowing fully well that ship's never leaving the harbor.

a coward would have run, kept running and let dustin, steve, robin, everyone take the fall.

his head, however, does snap up when steve asks him about the phone call. of course that gave him away. he hadn't been thinking, had hoped that even if steve somehow managed to recognize his breathing he wouldn't be able to trace his whereabouts.

an idiot indeed. ]

Had a nightmare. [ his voice is soft, gravelly, and he feels tears forming in his eyes though whether it is from the shame of an intervention or from the memories of the nightmare rushing to the surface he isn't sure. it might even be a mixture of both. ] You died, back in the Upside Down version of Lover's Lake. 'Cos I was the only one that went in after you and I - [ he has to pause because he can feel his throat close up, a strangled noise escaping that might be a cross between a sob and a shout. ] I couldn't save you.

[ he regrets raising his eyes (which up until now have been trained on the floor) to meet steve's, because now he can feel his heart shattering into pieces at the look on his face. ]

I needed to hear your voice, just...I needed to make sure you were okay, alright? I'm sorry for...fuck, for everything.

( the recognition on eddie's face when he looks up is all the answer steve needs, even before eddie explains himself. and the explanation is...not at all what steve expected. he's not sure what he expected, but a nightmare—about steve—that shook eddie so bad he risked making contact, was nowhere on the list. really, steve shouldn't be surprised. it would be more surprising if none of them ever had any nightmares, after the things they've seen. steve would be lying if he said he'd never had nightmares of dying in the upside down, or of watching one of his friends die. or all of them die, eddie included.

eddie says, i needed to hear your voice, and something inside steve breaks, just a little. just a hairline fracture that causes a twinge in his chest. his expression softens, and what's left of his anger completely dissipates, exiting his body as he sighs. what steve had only been able to guess at before seems clear as day now. how deeply eddie was affected by the whole thing with vecna and the upside down. none of them realized. steve didn't realize. but he should've known. no normal person could go through what eddie went through and come out the other side okay. and for all of eddie's counterculture posturing, he's really as normal as they come. steve wonders what it says about him, that he's gone around this carousel not once, but four times, and never thought to leave hawkins. at least, not seriously. maybe steve is the real freak.

after a moment, steve moves to sit on the floor, against the wall, beside eddie. there would've been a time when he wouldn't have dreamed of sitting on a dirty garage floor in his jeans, and if it weren't for this particular set of circumstances, he probably still wouldn't. he pushes a hand through his hair, and then rests his arms on top of his knees.

he looks sideways at eddie, then lowers his gaze. ) Look, man... Truth is, I don't blame you for getting out. Hawkins is...cursed. It's fucked up. And it just keeps getting more fucked up, no matter how many times we try to save it. So—I get it.

( that broken thing inside his chest cracks a little more. his voice softens. )

I just wish you'd said goodbye. ( he pauses. ) To Dustin. He... He's been really messed up over it. I mean, everyone has.

( another pause. he feels dangerously close to admitting something, but he's not sure what. so he says instead, )

I'm sorry I called you an idiot. You're not an idiot for leaving. Really, you're smarter than the rest of us.

Edited 2023-02-01 04:04 (UTC)

[ if eddie could have done all of this over again differently, he's not sure he would have been able to. he knows as soon as he looks at steve after he says i just wish you'd said goodbye and his heart breaks. steve might use dustin as a buffer, and he might not even be realizing that there's any deeper meaning there -- maybe it's just eddie's wishful thinking -- but he can't help but crumble.

it feels a little selfish now, what he did. he spent so much time absorbed in his own thoughts and feelings, and sure he knew running away without saying anything would suck for his friends, but he had convinced himself it was the only way. ]

I don't feel very smart. [ He laughs, though there's no mirth behind it, just self pity. ] I thought if I'd...I was so sure if I announced my plans that everyone would either try to stop me or...or you'd hate me. And I don't think I could stand seeing either of those things on y- [ he stops himself before revising his words, lest he give himself away too quickly. ] On Dustin's face.

[ besides, he's seen what a steve who's furious at him looks like. but maybe it would've been different if he had a chance to do this the right way. if there even is a right way. ]

( with the anger gone, steve feels a little hollow. or hollowed-out. and he's not sure what he should put in its place. he also feels tired, whether from the drive to get here or the intense emotion that fueled him, he's not sure. either way, the cold wall against his back feels kind of nice, and for a moment he almost forgets that they're sitting on a dirty garage floor hundreds of miles away from hawkins.

he listens to eddie, staring straight ahead at the car eddie was working on, and presses his lips together. if he catches the slip in eddie's words, it doesn't show. but steve might be starting to question why he really came all this way. as much as he cares about dustin, he might be starting to realize that it wasn't entirely for dustin's sake.

he turns his head to look at eddie again, taking in his face, which is easier to see in its entirety with eddie's hair pulled back. it's not a bad look on him. something just behind steve's ribcage aches, somewhere in that hollow space. ) Nah, man. I don't think there's anything you could do to make Dustin hate you. I mean, if there were, this... ( he gestures to the garage, ) probably would've been it.

( he shifts, stretching one leg out in front of him, resting his arm on the knee that's still bent. )

He's just gonna be glad you're okay. And he's gonna want to come visit, like, immediately.

[ it's easier than he thinks, to imagine dustin's reaction, to finding out eddie is alive and well several hundred miles away. still within driving distance, so not completely isolated, but isolated enough that the assholes that were still convinced of his guilt wouldn't come and look for him.

at least, he hopes word doesn't get out where he's moved to. he knows it's not likely that steve will let that slip, but dustin? dustin does sometimes forget the volume of his voice, or when to keep certain subjects under wrap. ]

I miss that small fry. [ he smiles to himself as he turns to look at steve, his breath hitching when he realizes that they're a little bit closer than he thought they would be. but he knows fully well that he's the only one having these thoughts, so he tries to keep his face looking as neutral as he can. ]

You should bring him. And anyone else who wants to come with. [ and then he chews on his lip as he thinks carefully of his next words. ] How have they all been doing?

( the way eddie smiles when he talks about dustin creates a spot of warmth in steve's chest. it's knowing exactly how eddie feels when he says he misses dustin. steve would feel the same if he suddenly skipped town. but it could also be the way eddie's smile softens his features. the way the sunlight slanting through the wide open door hits the side of his face. the way his hair curls against his forehead. things steve didn't realize he missed seeing.

then eddie asks him a question, and steve sucks in a breath, lets it out slowly as he thinks. he scratches the side of his face. ) Uhh, fine? You know, a lot better now that the world's not in danger of ending.

( for now, at least. who knows how long that's going to last this time. )

The kids are all as annoying as ever. Robin's been spending a lot of time with...a new friend. Vickie. ( steve lowers his hand to his knee. the other arm rests on his outstretched thigh. ) Nancy... ( he feels another pang in his chest. different from the one he felt a second ago. less of a pleasant ache, more of a dull throb. ) Well, she and Jonathan've been spending a lot of time together. So...your advice didn't really work out.

( but there's no hint of an accusation in his voice. and when he looks at eddie, it's with a small, self-deprecating smile. )

( seemingly oblivious as to the thoughts steve is having, eddie focuses on everything that his friend tells him. about robin, about the kids, about nancy. he feels his heart ache, yearning to go back home but deep down he feels like he's made the right choice. it's not like steve or the others could have kept him protected forever.

still, it gets awfully lonely here on his own. eddie hasn't made any attempts to put himself out there, especially with all of his scars, and being hung up on one person in particular does make it a little difficult to want to flirt with anyone else.

his eyes glisten at the mention of vickie, though. ) A new friend, huh? ( it's not as if eddie had a chance to outright talk to robin, but it's easy to spot one of your own. he doesn't press for confirmation, though. he knows he wouldn't want steve outing him, even accidentally.

but then steve mentions nancy, and eddie frowns, that ache in his chest turning into something sour. he had pushed the two of them together partially because he didn't think he stood a chance. steve is painfully straight, or so eddie assumes, and really he just wanted to see steve happy. he thought for a moment there that nancy made him happy. )

Sorry. I guess I thought, you know. When she hopped in there after you? I just assumed, you know? To me, I couldn't fathom anyone jumping in after you unless they were still deeply in love with you, but uh. Yeah, why anyone would take that kind of advice from me... ( he joins steve in the self-deprecating smile department. )

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